Why I Hate Peer Group Pressure

We are always torn between individualism and conformity. We want to fit in, but also fiercely protect and develop our independence. Peer group pressure is when family, friends, society as a whole, a cultural movement, a business, religion or political group, try to manipulate, engineer, or force the individual, maverick, non-conforming,different goat to be more like the sheep and join the hive in behaviour and mentality.

Pressure can come through many avenues. A child may be raised thinking a community or family beliefs are facts and the established order of the World. How often do yu see people voting for a particular party or ideology because father, grandfather and great-grand-father did. If you are out dining and everyone orders a particular meal off the menu, or a particular beer, the one diner/drinker daring to pick something else (allowing for vegetarian or health needs), is likely to face scorn. Many people engage in a dare because friends do it or have done it. This might be playing spin the bottle, jumping in a swimming pool fully clothed, or something dangerous and possibly illegal. Many start taking drugs because their friends are all high. I was with several friends who stole several music albums from a bar in Germany. My reluctance to participate was viewed with contempt. This is where trouble starts, with the individual saying 'no' to some ideas or practices. The group can turn ugly and aggressive. The individual may be accused of stupidity, cowardice or even madness.

Sometimes, group interventions may be well meaning, as in attempts to draw a friend away from alcoholism, or from fears that someone might be self-harming or suicidal. Other times it can be petty and malicious. Some people score points off you and shut down your conversations for no other motive than to fuel their own mental or actual masturbation fantasies. We all like this film or book, so we are offended by you thinking of it so negatively. You shouldn’t read that writer as s/he supports that politician we don’t like… This can be understandable if a celebrity admired by the individual has very extreme beliefs like holocaust denial, or a history of sexual abuse, etc.

I have faced peer group pressure many times. At school, being poor at sports, I was only picked for teams reluctantly, and seen as being the one to blame if our team lost a game. Peers frequently seek scapegoats. In later life, this attitude prevailed in call centre work too. Though working individually we were put in team-groups, and if there was one team player under-achieving in sales targets the whole team lost their bonuses for that day or week, even if some sold way over target. The group resentment was supposed to be an incentive to the runt of the litter to do better next time, but more often it destroyed self-esteem and concentration, guaranteeing further poor performance.

The cruel irony is that the 'friends' eager to micromanage you when you don't consent, often let you down when you would actually welcome their assistance or call for it. They ignore you saytng you can't swim because they want to put you in the water, then when you start drowning, they choose not to help save you as that might get them wet too.

Some family and friends try to generate peer group pressure to get their own way. My mother, who I loved, could often get into trouble for it. She would often share her worries about me being overweight by speaking in hushed whispers to others to getthem totalk toi me about it, or script them in what to say to humiliate me about it at family gathering and parties with the neighbours. One friend actually warned me that she had approached him to get him to do this, and I confronted her over it to get it stopped. She sadly also did it to others. A work friend of hers got into a drunken fight in a bar one night. Though not there, my Mum heard about it and told all their mutual friends as if she had witnessed the event. Word got back to the poor lady who came round to the house to confront my Mum over it, but found me in instead of my Mum. Rumours my Mum spread about an aunt who had some mental health issues led my aunt and uncle to disown the entire family as my Mum had made out that we all shared her rather toxic opinions. I happened to like my aunt and uncle a lot.

Years later, possibly inspired by my Uncle, my sister turned on me the same way. Her son, though in his thirties, was stealing my DVD collection, peaking in taking one I had just bought, and which was still unsealed in its packaging, but which I needed for a commissioned writing project I had a deadline on with a company who had paid me for several features already. He not only took it, but told his brothers to boast about it to me after he left. Furious, I told my sister, his mother, but she was more upset that I had embarressed her by pointing out his action in fronmt of the party guests, but she promised to talk to him and get my DVD back to me for my project. She didn’t. I asked again by e-mail. I asked my Mum, who refused to intervene as she thgought my request was just causing family friction and I should just let it go (letting him get away with theft and regarding any of my property as his own). I pushed on, but my Mum refused to share the thief’s address with me so I could deal with him directly. My sister ignored my calls and messages. My deadline passed. The online company not only kicked me off that project but all their future assignments too. Finally, my sister arrived and threw my DVD back at me, insisting that I never talk to her or any of her side of the family again. Her husband, all three sons, and their partners (including two who were not even known to the sons when the DVD feud started) all disowned me entirely. To her credit, my Mum did not join them though after a few family Christmases at which they avoided talking to me at all, and never gave me a single xmas card, they pressured my mum into not inviting me to family xmas at all. They used the ultimate Peer group pressure, flat out emotional blackmail – if he comes at Xmas, we won’t, so you lose one family member for the day or eight of us. I had to then find alternative Xmas & New year arrangements. Eventually, I found the friction of being in the same room as them when we were all near my Mum together was so uncomfortable that I moved to another city.

Many narcissists will try in arguing some point, make out that ‘everyone’ thinks as they do. One friend said ‘there’s only you in the whole world who thinks that’ to me so often it became a catch-phrase. I often checked online to find assurance that my views were not exclusive to me personally, just not something he was familiar with.

Narcissisists feed on peer group pressure like a fire feeds on oxygen. A Narcissist’s defensive friends are called ‘flying monkeys’, a clinical term inspired by the minions of the Wicked Witch in the Wizard Of Oz movie (Judy Garland version). The Narcissist humiliates the individual as the monkeys approve or decline to intervene, defend or try to prevent further distress. Later they may say things like ‘;It’s just his way’, ‘He didn’t mean it’, ‘Don’t let it get to you’, ‘You are over-reacting’. ‘He does that to others, so don’t take it personally’. Such friends (of yours) either support such humiliation and bullying, or often feel that intervening might get them treated the same way, so they would rather it was you than them. Their wall of defence for the Narcissist makes the Narcissist virtually indestructible. Your increasingly desperate attempts to change their perception just further pressures and alienates you.

Some institutions thrive on and depend on conformity. Millitary, religious and especially cult organizations. Schools often demand uniformity way beyond wearing school uniforms.

It is the individuals who change society. Martin Luther dared to call Catholicism out for its faults, succeeding when many had tried only to be subjected to inquisition torture and martyr’s deaths. Of course, some individuals create followings around themselves, demanding a new conformity. In such pressure, Trumpism, Fascism, Nazism, etc can arise. Following Gandhi is one thing. Following Jim Jones is quite another.

The phrase ‘keeping up with the Jones’s’ epitomises peer group pressure. The neighbours have it, so I should buy it too. Children sart wanting the new trainers, game consoles and toys advertized, and feel bad if their friends have them but they do not. Playing the keeping up game can push people into poverty or high stress from all the overtime work they need to afford it. It can also lead to crime, as the ‘must have’ goods are easy to sell on the black market. Burglaries and muggings intensify around the latest fads of peer group pressure.

Advertising is very heavy on peer group pressure. Ads in which someone finds they are they only one in the neighborhood or community or workplace not using the advertised best lawyers, pens, clothes, insurance brokers, cards, etc makes them feel obliged to rush out and sign up to it. On the internet there is a growing obsession with ‘influencers’, the trend setters who tell us what to buy, read, think… the charismatic is the one eyed ruler of the kingdom of the blind.

We often turn to friends for help and advice in times of need. The trouble is that those asserting pressure confuse advise with giving orders. An advised course of action is a possible choice, but ultimately it remains up to you whether to follow it or not. The friend who dictates what you are doing and even fills in the forms or alters your computer information for you, even ignoring your request for them to leave it as it is, doesn’t advise but enforces their will.

When I was ill, a friend was doing some shopping for me. As I had several letters to post I asked him to get me a lot of first class stamps for them. He returned having sent my mail out with second class stamps, telling me that no one uses first class any more. The fact that a/. I wanted my letters to reach people quickly. 2/. Firstr class stamps are printed and sell in their millions and 3/. It was my choice and my money buying them was not something he cared about. I refused flat out to let him shop for me ever again.

Another friend came to fix some broadband problems I had, but while doing so, he took it on himself to clear my desk top of all my icons, having decided for me that they shouldn’t be there as no one else has that arrangement. He totally ignored my calling out that I do like them on my screen. I restored them after he left. Peer group pressure shuts you out of the decision makin g process and disrespects your privacy, right to choose and assumes that you are wrong just becae you look, sound or behave differently. You are not mad or bad unless you are a threat or direct danger to yourself or others. Preferring white wine over red, or liking a band others detest is not a basis to treat you like crap. Anyone trying to get you to conform just from egotism or one-upmanship does not deserve your love or friendship. They are petty, and vindictive to your individualism. Some friends seem to get jealous and jaded when I show any signs of personal success or development, such as getting books and stories in print, reviewing a film before they do, etc. Some say nothing positive, but quickly pedantically nitpick, criticise, correct or exploit any weak chink in what they see as your armour.

The song, Making Plans For Nigel, by XTC https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-X3Wy-svIY&list=RDn-X3Wy-svIY&start_radio=1 is a great exploration of peer group pressure. Here, Nigel’s mates have decided his entire future for him, pushing him to work for British Steel, controlling his happiness,

Another great song is The Monkees Pleasant Valley Sunday, which is about a valley where everyone conforms, even mowing the lawns at the same time, having identical picket fences, etc. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2xRPOn9LQE&list=RDh2xRPOn9LQE&start_radio=1

A final song to add here, though there are others, is Harper Valley PTA, by Jeannie C Riley, in which a school PTA board tries to dictate to a woman how she must behave, as in the need to wear longer dresses, etc. Instead of conforming, or leaving town, the victim retaliates by exposing the PTA members for all their faults and scandals linked to them. It is a song exposing the peers to a taste of their own medicine. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOZPBUu7Fro&list=RDaOZPBUu7Fro&start_radio=1

There was a classic asd for an acoholic drink, called Babycham, seen by many as a churlish woman’s drink and something of a joke in many bar frequenting circles. In the 70’s latching on to this, Babycham made an ad that reinvented the product as cool and played with the way it was perceived by peer groups. In the ad, a couple attend a swank party in a club frequented by rich people in highly fashionable designer outfits. The lady of the couple asks her male partner to buy her a Babycham, which provokes a silence and shocked stares from the other customers, all drinking a wide variety of exotic cocktails. Suddenly, a big burly black guy cuts in saying he’d like a Babycham too, and suddenly in a ripple everyone swaps heir drinks for a Babycham and the closing image is of everyone having a great time together. I’d like to think I was there, but still drinking what I wanted, even if it wasn’t the advertised wine (which I never disliked). It is a great ad for showing how a group dynamic can shift. When they didn’t fit in, the couple were in a very uncomfortable place, and that should never happen to anyone. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MshadyDLjnk&list=RDMshadyDLjnk&start_radio=1

In science fiction, extreme conformity can be seen with the daleks, Cybermen and Borg, The few mavericks who escape from the Borg to reclaim their individualism, Hugh (Star Trek Next Generation ) and 7 of 9 (Star Trek Voyager) go through Hell, but ultimately find more joy in being themselves. Breaking free from a pressure group (social apostasy) is a difficult, often dangerous process, like escaping a cult’s brainwashing. Interestingly, some cult members are forced out by a now outlawed and unethical practice called deprogramming, in which non-cult members abduct the cultist and counter-brainwash them with negative information about the cult to reverse the brainwashing, replacing one group pressure with another.

Films addressing Peer Group Pressure abound. I created a list, and surprised myself with how many I have found. https://letterboxd.com/arthurchappell/list/peer-group-pressure-in-the-movies-1/

Highlights – The Angry Silence – A man who dares to go to work despite his union calling a wildcat strike, faces disapproval, alienation, intimidation and worst of all, a complete wall of silence where his workmates simply collectively refuse to talk with him, or work . Sit anywhere near him until his sanity breaks by being sent to Coventry.

Heathers, Mean Girls, and even Grease, all deal with US high school cliques, and fitting in. Go Ask Alice is about a girl pressured into drug abuse, addiction and dependency. In 12 Angry Men, one man alone has reason to think a defendant in a trial they are to decide the verdict on, is not guilty. He immediately faces an uphill struggle to shift their minds and gradually wins them over one by one until the position is reversed for the final juror, but now at least the evidence is as important as the majority dominance and the final juror caves in reluctantly to the not guilty decision. It could easily have gone horribly the other way.

In This Is England, a street gang is seduced into joining the neo-nazi National Front and terrorises the asian community until they realize things are going too far. In Pink Floyd’s The Wall (Concept album and film), a rock star turns fascist and his fans unite behind him in mindless violence until he is arrested. In Pinnochio, the wooden boy is duped into an exploitative acting career by the smooth talking pressure of his self-appointed manager.

Oh What A Lovely War shows men signing up to enlist in the armies marching off to fight (and often to die) in World War One when their friends sign up and they don’t want to look like cowards. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynEWZF1bkLQ

Rivers Edge is the remarkable true story of a killer who even showed his friends the corpse of his victim and got them to conform to telling no one what he had done or where the corpse was hidden.

Casualties Of War is another harrowing true tale with a group of GI’s in Vietnam destroying a civillian village and dragging a kidnapped young Vietnamese woman with them across the battle zone, repeatedly raping her. The one soldier refusing to join in, and threatening to report them to the authorities, faced retribution and disgrace for daring to speak out against the platoon.

Remember that it is OK to be you. Don’t do X just because others are all doing X. Don’t buy Y just because someone else did, and don’t do agree to anything (including my words here) just because someone says you should. More importantly, don’t pressure others on what they should or should nbot do, see, say, wear, believe, think, or feel. It’s not your call, or mine. If someone chooses a different path than you recommend, respect them for it.

Quotations

“Don’t follow leaders. Watch the parkin’ meters.” Bob Dylan.

“I’m not a number, I am a free man,” Patrick McGoohan – The Prisoner.

Photos taken by me.

If you like my writings and you would like to see more, you can help fund my activity with a modest donation or two to my new Buymeacoffee Donations Page https://buymeacoffee.com/arthurchappell?new=1

Arthur Chappell